Chav Speak

Because everyone loves the Chavs!

The hate towards Chavs in English society is extraordinary and it all stems from one thing, jealousy over teeth. As you might already know the English generally have God awful teeth. Now the Chavs are no exception, however their teeth are in nowhere near as bad a state as the rest of the country.

For some unknown medical reason Chavs produce an ungodly amount of saliva, which is why they have to spit so regularly. This excessive saliva production is thought to be the main reason why Chavs have better teeth than the rest of the population since the saliva neutralizes the acid produced by the bacteria in the mouth.

Whereas ordinary English people have to brush their teeth twice a day to stop them falling apart like wet chewing gum chiclets, Chavs can escape for months without brushing their teeth without enduring noticeable tooth decay.

If you aren’t a Chav and aren’t gay and happen to live in an area containing thousands of the fuckers, then it’s imperative that you recognize the signs that a Chav Man wants your bum.

Since Chavs lack any tact whatsoever they’ll run at you with their trousers down in broad daylight. Fortunately since they wear so much bling you’ll be able to hear them coming from a mile off, so it’s wise to carry a tennis racket with you wherever you go.

If a gay chav man isn’t just after some bum fun, he’ll likely make a more subtle approach. He might call at your door and lay a 6 pack of WKD on your doorstep with used condoms placed over the necks of each of the bottles as a subtle reminder that he wants to make you his own.

If this offends you in anyway, report the incident to the police and they’ll take a DNA sample from the rubber and arrest the idiot for you.

I don’t know what the hell ITV are thinking but the cancellation of the Jeremy Kyle show will have a disastrous effect on the Chav lifestyle.

Without Kyle, Chav’s will have nothing to aspire to. Up until now Chavs would dedicate most of their lives preparing for their appearance on the show. They would be rehearsing exactly how they’d cave their lovers ex’s head in on-stage before the security people could do anything about it. The gay Chav Men would be dreaming of sexually harassing Kyle backstage after filming had been completed.

In a few months all of this will be gone. Many Chavs will now feel so empty that they’ll be forced even further into alcoholism and countless will attempt to take their own lives.

If you’re thinking about buying a Chav a mobile phone for Christmas, then it’s best to buy one that’s extremely inexpensive and robust as the chances are that they’ll smash it up in a drunken stupor within a few hours.

My Chav mate Billy got an iPhone for his birthday a few weeks back and it took him 3 days to destroy the fucking thing. The idiot left in the microwave along with a bowl of Supernoodles!

When he seen his prized posession whirling around with the Noodles he just dropped to the ground with his head in his hands and began weeping like a little girl. He didn’t even think about going over to the microwave to switch it off. Before he knew it the bastarding thing had exploded into tiny pieces!

The best phone to get a Chav is most likely the Nokia 5210 which retails for around £25 in Argos and is virtually indestructible. Unless of course the Chav tries to stick it up his or her back passage. Then not only will they break the phone but they’ll void the warranty.

Maybe you should get them Buckfast for Christmas instead. It’s the safest option, trust me.

Since most, if not all Chavs are benefits paying for Christmas can be quite a chore indeed. This is why many of them resort to buying items on Hire Purchase from catalogues like Freemans, where they’ll be forced to pay £2.49 a week for an Xbox 360 for the next 36 years.

Other Chavs take the less expensive option of stealing goods from their relatives. A common Chav practice is to call around at their mothers house and to slip into the kitchen with a Tesco Bag For Life whilst she’s up at the toilet and begin raiding the fridge for anything that’s barely edible.

These same people regularly pawn their beloved’s prized possessions in order to afford gifts for their own family. In theory this never works as by the time they’ve pawned the item, they are already on their way to Wetherspoon’s to spend all of the money at Wetherspoon’s and the bookies.

So in short, Chavs find it extremely difficult to survive at Christmas. If you see one in the street this year you can help one by throwing some coins at them.

Chavs generally enjoy intimidating people in their neighbourhood. In order to escape their attention it’s important to let them know that you won’t tolerate their bully-boo tactics.

If they throw stones at your window then the only option is to run up to their house with a boulder and chuck it through their window. If they spit in your garden, wait until night, drop your trousers and have a shit in theirs.

Eventually the intimidation will stop and if it doesn’t you’re best advised to get about 15 Rottweillers and leave them to mill about in your garden so that if the Chavs try anything funny – they’ll be ripped to shreds right in front of their mates.

The best thing about this is that the police will not press any charges as they’ll understand that all Chavs are little dicks.

If you’re unfortunate enough to live on a council estate right next door to a bunch of Chav’s that won’t stop fighting then there isn’t much you can do.

You can always try banging on their door and threaten to kick their head in if they don’t shut the hell up but you’ll likely be mauled and raped by their rabant pitbull terrier that reeks of baked beans, boiled cabbage and shit before they even answer.

The only safe option is to buy noise canceling earphones in order to block the din out. Failing that you could actually teach yourself to enjoy the racket they make. If you’re bored at night you can always just press your ear against the wall and listen in on the ensuing mayhem and eventually sell whatever happens onto the producers of Eastenders as potential storylines.

If you’ve recently got into a relationship with a Chav then you’ll have realized the errors of your ways almost instantly.

No matter how hard you try to domesticate the Chav it will not work. If you buy him some respectable clothing, he will either sell it or flush it down the toilet.

If you tell him to stop messing around with his friends then he’ll just hang around with them even more than normal to piss you off.

If you threaten to leave him then the chances are he’ll either try to kick your head in or just go and sleep with any number of his ex girlfriends.

If you really want to make the relationship work it’s best to ignore his negative traits and get on with the relationship without complaining. Trust me, it’s much easier this way.

Of course they are! Look at this way, no-one in the Royal family has worked a day in their lives. They are content to exist on taxpayers money without contributing anything.

If you needed any more proof, then ask yourself this. Why does the Queen where so much bling? Look at the picture below.

I’m tired of hearing idiots mention that the Royal Family pay for themselves through tourism. It’s bullshit!

Tourists are generally stupid. They’ll pay money to see anything so it’s time Britain capitalized on this and threw the Monarchy out on their asses and charged £5-per-tourist to watch an elderly man shit his knickers in a Subway station.

Besides I think Buckingham Palace would make an amazing J.D Wetherspoons. All of that floor space could be put to proper use by the public instead of sanctioning it off to a bunch of freeloading rich Chavs who don’t appreciate quite how lucky they are.

It’s time to claim Buckfast Tonic Wine back from the Chavs. Not only is it a beautiful drink, but it also gives you a massive boost in energy particularly if you have two bottles of it.

The reason why Buckfast is associated solely with Chavs is that Goths, Emos and Indie Kids have boycotted it just because the Chavs drink it . Now many of the aforementioned subcultures run the risk of dying without tasting Buckie. It’s truly a tragedy.

What annoys me most of all is that Buckfast is wrongly deemed a ‘tramps drink’. The fact is most tramps drink Carling Special Brew or Tennents Supers as they give much more bang for the buck.

We should reclaim Buckfast as our own and cherish it as the real brew of the Gods.