Chav Speak

Because everyone loves the Chavs!

If you aren’t a Chav and aren’t gay and happen to live in an area containing thousands of the fuckers, then it’s imperative that you recognize the signs that a Chav Man wants your bum.

Since Chavs lack any tact whatsoever they’ll run at you with their trousers down in broad daylight. Fortunately since they wear so much bling you’ll be able to hear them coming from a mile off, so it’s wise to carry a tennis racket with you wherever you go.

If a gay chav man isn’t just after some bum fun, he’ll likely make a more subtle approach. He might call at your door and lay a 6 pack of WKD on your doorstep with used condoms placed over the necks of each of the bottles as a subtle reminder that he wants to make you his own.

If this offends you in anyway, report the incident to the police and they’ll take a DNA sample from the rubber and arrest the idiot for you.

I don’t know what the hell ITV are thinking but the cancellation of the Jeremy Kyle show will have a disastrous effect on the Chav lifestyle.

Without Kyle, Chav’s will have nothing to aspire to. Up until now Chavs would dedicate most of their lives preparing for their appearance on the show. They would be rehearsing exactly how they’d cave their lovers ex’s head in on-stage before the security people could do anything about it. The gay Chav Men would be dreaming of sexually harassing Kyle backstage after filming had been completed.

In a few months all of this will be gone. Many Chavs will now feel so empty that they’ll be forced even further into alcoholism and countless will attempt to take their own lives.

Since most, if not all Chavs are benefits paying for Christmas can be quite a chore indeed. This is why many of them resort to buying items on Hire Purchase from catalogues like Freemans, where they’ll be forced to pay £2.49 a week for an Xbox 360 for the next 36 years.

Other Chavs take the less expensive option of stealing goods from their relatives. A common Chav practice is to call around at their mothers house and to slip into the kitchen with a Tesco Bag For Life whilst she’s up at the toilet and begin raiding the fridge for anything that’s barely edible.

These same people regularly pawn their beloved’s prized possessions in order to afford gifts for their own family. In theory this never works as by the time they’ve pawned the item, they are already on their way to Wetherspoon’s to spend all of the money at Wetherspoon’s and the bookies.

So in short, Chavs find it extremely difficult to survive at Christmas. If you see one in the street this year you can help one by throwing some coins at them.

If you’re unfortunate enough to live on a council estate right next door to a bunch of Chav’s that won’t stop fighting then there isn’t much you can do.

You can always try banging on their door and threaten to kick their head in if they don’t shut the hell up but you’ll likely be mauled and raped by their rabant pitbull terrier that reeks of baked beans, boiled cabbage and shit before they even answer.

The only safe option is to buy noise canceling earphones in order to block the din out. Failing that you could actually teach yourself to enjoy the racket they make. If you’re bored at night you can always just press your ear against the wall and listen in on the ensuing mayhem and eventually sell whatever happens onto the producers of Eastenders as potential storylines.

Of course they are! Look at this way, no-one in the Royal family has worked a day in their lives. They are content to exist on taxpayers money without contributing anything.

If you needed any more proof, then ask yourself this. Why does the Queen where so much bling? Look at the picture below.

I’m tired of hearing idiots mention that the Royal Family pay for themselves through tourism. It’s bullshit!

Tourists are generally stupid. They’ll pay money to see anything so it’s time Britain capitalized on this and threw the Monarchy out on their asses and charged £5-per-tourist to watch an elderly man shit his knickers in a Subway station.

Besides I think Buckingham Palace would make an amazing J.D Wetherspoons. All of that floor space could be put to proper use by the public instead of sanctioning it off to a bunch of freeloading rich Chavs who don’t appreciate quite how lucky they are.

Chavs have been called so many derogatory names over the years that you couldn’t care less what you call them. Saying that, many do take exception to the Chav name and label. Most of them aim to be called ‘gangsta’ or ‘wigga’ or at the very least ‘Billy Big Balls’.

In large groups the Chavs may well take exception to the name. In such a situation they will give chase and if you caught you can expect quite a slapping with the end result being either a ‘golden shower’ or a ‘cleveland steamer’ depending on how lucky you are.

The good thing is, Chavs are always so stoned out of their mind that the chances of being caught by them are minimal, unless you’re a fat goth. Then you’ve little hope of making it out alive.

Chavs typically don’t give a shit what type of cigarettes they smoke, as long as they do the job for less than £4 for 20.

This is why most Chavs buy their tobacco off the local drug pusher or ice cream van.

If you’ve ever lived in a council estate then you’ll be aware that ice cream vans in these areas act as fronts for pushers to sell counterfeit cigarettes at bargain rates.

Whenever the van approaches the estate, all of the Chavs surface like worms to the topsoil once Fairy Liquid has been poured into the earth.

Even grannies will come out for a bargain and will buy vast quantities of the knock-off fags at bargain rates.

One word of advice – never buy ice cream from one of these vans. Why?

Well the cones are always filled with cigarette ash and broken finger nails. If you were to eat a whole one you’d be on the shitter until Jade Goody rises from her grave.

Every Chav I’ve met enjoys destruction and chaos. During the summer, if they aren’t busy huffing buckets behind their brothers shed, then they’ll be out in the fields lighting huge fires that can be seen by miles. This is not just blind destruction either. Male Chavs start fires in an attempt to attract a gay mate.

Nothing attracts another Chav like a huge plume of smoke, they simply love the burning smell. It makes them rush towards the site of the fire like flies around turd.

After a neighbor has called the fire brigade and they’ve arrived on the scene the Chavs will quickly disperse into their love nest where they will continue to smoke dope, read each other their gritty urban poetry and then rut like beavers on heat.

This my friends, is a true love story.

Whilst Chavs can be a bit of nuisance, they do not pose a major threat to society. Sure enough they can make walking through a town center on a Friday night a chore, but it’s not as if they are secretly planning on killing everyone they know from the comfort of their own home.

Goths have a hidden agenda. They are continually plotting for the downfall of humanity by praying to Satan, sacrificing live animals and cutting their limbs to shreds with broken jam jars.

Whilst both Chavs and Goths are prolific consumers of drugs, Chavs become lovable cheeky-chappies when under the influence. Goths, on the other-hand become hateful tyrants who’d do anything to club a baby seal to death for fun and games.

This is why society accepts Chav culture and not Goth culture.

We’ve made the right decision.

Of course they are. The government blames all of society’s ills on the Chav underclass, who apparent cause mayhem in town centres at the weekend through binge drinking and are the only group responsible for criminal activity.

How bigoted is this view? Why do the government always focus on the few trouble makers who give the rest of the working class a bad name? I wouldn’t be surprised if Gordon Brown and his gang of mindless drones started establishing death camps just to kill off the working class once and for all.

I think it’s time they turned their attention towards metal heads, geeks, goths and emos. These people cause just as much trouble, yet somehow manage to evade all of the blame simply because they are seen as ‘intellectuals’.

This must stop now because it’s almost genocidal in nature!