Chav Speak

Because everyone loves the Chavs!

Make no mistake, there is no way that you can convert a chav guy into a respectable member of society. You might think that you can change him by taking him onto the Jeremy Kyle show and yelling at him for 10 minutes…

And this might produces results for a few months, but eventually he’ll return to his old way of living. Before you know it he’ll be blowing all of his money on Frosty Jacks cider, Pot Noodles and cheap base.

But do not fear, if you’re going to have a relationship with a chav, you must accept him for who he is. Trying to change him will only make his behaviour much worse.

Your best option is to try to keep him indoors. Make sure you have a subscription to Sky Sports and that you also have a huge supply of Pot Noodles and Frosty Jack’s, just to stop him from wandering too far. That way, you can make the best out of a bad situation.

This is very simple. You have a number of options.

• Run up to his girlfriend, pat her on the belly and say to him ‘She’s as fat as a whale this one! Fat as a whale’
• Run up to him and pat him on the balls and whisper ‘Oh that’s quite a package sunshine, fancy a bit of a wet weekend ’round the back?’ and then wait for the fireworks to begin.
• Come up to him dressed as an Emo or a Goth. This will work wonders right away. A friend of mine tried this once actually and he ended up being raped by the Chav.
• Tell him that you’re going to tell the Benefits Office about his job on the side. The thought of losing his entitlement to benefits will send the average chav guy into such a rage that he’ll start swinging at you right away.
• Tell him that you had his ma last night and that she was complaining about him continually soiling the bed even though he’s 19. He will become ultra defensive and will inevitably try to floor you before crapping on your chest as a form of rough justice.

This pisses me off right here.

Why the hell do these assholes have spit so much? I know it’s because they are trying to emulate their footballing heroes, but don’t they realize it makes them like stupid?

One thing I’ve noticed recently is that if you’re passing a chav in the street, he’ll hock up a greener just as you spot him and spit it out just before you meet. I think he does it because he is scared and is trying to warn you off. Either that or it’s some sort of bizarre mating ritual.

These fools spit more often than the average whore during a bukkake scene. It’s not clever and it’s really repulsive. Next time I see one of them do this I’m gonna grab him into a headlock, rush him to the ground and force him to lick up his own hock. Just to give him a taste of reality!