Chav Speak

Because everyone loves the Chavs!

Chavs generally enjoy intimidating people in their neighbourhood. In order to escape their attention it’s important to let them know that you won’t tolerate their bully-boo tactics.

If they throw stones at your window then the only option is to run up to their house with a boulder and chuck it through their window. If they spit in your garden, wait until night, drop your trousers and have a shit in theirs.

Eventually the intimidation will stop and if it doesn’t you’re best advised to get about 15 Rottweillers and leave them to mill about in your garden so that if the Chavs try anything funny – they’ll be ripped to shreds right in front of their mates.

The best thing about this is that the police will not press any charges as they’ll understand that all Chavs are little dicks.

In my 25 years I have never seen a Chav with glasses and now I understand why they don’t wear them. It’s not because of fear of being ridiculed by their peers. It’s to take the edge off the filth and grime that pervades many of their lives.

Let’s face it, most Chavettes are absolutely minging. Can you imagine having to ’service’ one of them? Would you want to see her parts in microscopic detail with all sorts of mutated wildlife clinging to her pubes like flies onto dandelions? If I was in the Chav’s position I wouldn’t just refuse to wear glasses, I’d poke my own eyes out with a drinking straw.

Even then, that wouldn’t be enough as I’d still have to deal with the smell and the taste, which would be unbearable in itself considering I’m not partial to the smell nor taste of boiled haddock.

It is impossible to have a proper game of pool in any hall across the UK. Why?

Well the places are jam packed with Chavs who will do anything they can to interupt your game. I’ve had numerous bad experiences with them.

Usually when I bend over for a shot one of them will approach from the rear and nudge the pool cue just as I’m about to hit the ball. Then he’ll make a smart ass comment like ‘Aye mate, you’re a bit shit aintcha? Fancy a game?’

At this point I’ll be dying to wrap the cue around his head, only I know I can’t as I’d be surrounded by a rabble of angry Chavs within seconds.

The only option is to continue on as normal, ignoring the asshole. Only the more you ignore the Chav the more he’ll annoy you and eventually you’ll end up giving in and playing him and his asshole mates who, invent their own pool rules as they go along.

Much like their relatives, the wasps, Chavs seem to disappear for a long period of time, only to return later in the year stronger and more angry than ever.

You see, Chavs find it difficult to survive during the Winter months. Most Chav mothers d not have enough money to buy both food and Christmas presents for their spawn, so they opt only for the latter.

This means that the Chav must do his utmost to conserve all of his energy otherwise he is likely to starve to death.

In the autumn months it is common for Chav families to launch huge raids on corner shops across the UK, pilfering vast quanties of high-fat chocolate bars like Yorkies, Boosts and Turkish Delights in order to survive the harsh Winter ahead.

So if you’re wondering where the Chavs have went to in your local area this Winter, rest assured that they are at home filling their faces with the remnants of their last chocolate haul and that they won’t be back until the Spring.

I hate travelling on buses as I know there’s always gonna be one asshole there blaring his music out for all to hear without any shame whatsoever. Since I’m a pacifist I don’t have the will to grab his phone off and ram it where the sun doesn’t shine. So in most cases I just sit still hoping that some other have-a-go hero will take him out for me.

On occasion I have been known to play my own music back at the Chav just to drown out the piss he’s playing. This is not a good idea. You’ll just end up incurring the wrath of the rest of the bus and they could well turn on you.

Plus if the Chav is tough he could well try to mug you just as you leave the bus.  Then it’ll be necessary to defend yourself against the fecker.

Since Chavs always come from poor backgrounds, it’s difficult to see how they can afford such expensive trainers. There are two main ways that they procure them. The main one is through theft.

Chavs rarely shoplift trainers, rather they prefer to steal them off people in the street. Normally 3 or 4 Chavs will rush their victim in the street, beat him to the ground, steal his trainers and repeatedly whack him with own shoes if he tries to resist them.

The other method is through the catalog. Basically the Chavs mother will end up paying £8 a month for the rest of her life to some godawful ‘club book’ that charges 5650% APR. Luckily for her the ‘club book man’ will rarely ever come to the door as he’ll understand that he is likely to suffer a serious beating if he comes within a mile of the Chavs house.

Tell them to fuck off!

I hate it when the creepy assholes approach me, pretending to be my friend just so that I’ll agree to buy them booze. I always ignore them and it annoys them so much as they’re used to getting their way all their lives.

These fools do not need any booze. Most are already pig ignorant and need a dose of reality than another shot of Aftershock.

If you’re feeling very sinister you could try buying them their drink of choice, retrieving it for them in the store and then drinking a decent bit out of the bottle, whipping your pink peeper out and pissing in the bottle until it’s filled back up to the mark. Since most Chavs don’t have functioning tastebuds they won’t be able to tell the difference.

The other option is to just agree to buy them alcohol, take their money and run as fast as possible.

Chavs typically fail out of school at an early age and end up pissing their lives away on benefits. If you want your future to turn out this way, then feel free to hang around with the chavs.

The worst thing about Chavs is that they drag everyone in the group down with them. If you have the audacity to leave the group then they’ll likely make your life hell for quite some time. There’s no other option but to fight back in such a case.

Saying that you should never consider joining their ranks in the first place.

Believe me in 10 years time it’ll be worth it. Most of your former chav mates will have about 5 children each and will either be in prison or in hospital after being smashed into pieces by a bouncer outside a pub for being drunk and disorderly.

Chavs are fond of anal sex. It forms a vital part of their culture and it’s used to determine a drones position in their own social hierarchy. The dominant chav will subsequently be the one who administers the bum fun and will not swagger quite so much when walking down the street.

It’s only the submissive types who walk in this way. You could compare them to the angry drone wasps who have to take all sorts of shit from the Queen Wasp in order to survive in the clan.

So next time you see a chav swagger past you down the street, do not be frightened. Instead offer the fellow your sympathy. Or if you’re feeling particularly generous offer him some real lubricant as a gift. He’s probably ‘a bit fed up’ of having the other chavs use boiling hot chip fat as lubricant.

As you’ll have gathered by now, all Chav boys are rake thin. Why is this so? Well it’s to do with their lifestyle. Most chav boys rarely eat and when they do it is chips and nothing else. Once they’ve finished their dinner, they will round it off by raking in a line of speed washed down with a bottle of Buckfast Tonic Wine.

The speed ensures that all of the calories in the chips and Buckfast are burnt at an alarming rate, therefore allowing the chav guy to maintain his slim build.

During an average speed binge the chav will burn on average 3,500 calories through being chased by the police, bumraping other chav boys and vomiting up their chips like sickly mumma birds.