Chav Speak

Because everyone loves the Chavs!

If you’re thinking about buying a Chav a mobile phone for Christmas, then it’s best to buy one that’s extremely inexpensive and robust as the chances are that they’ll smash it up in a drunken stupor within a few hours.

My Chav mate Billy got an iPhone for his birthday a few weeks back and it took him 3 days to destroy the fucking thing. The idiot left in the microwave along with a bowl of Supernoodles!

When he seen his prized posession whirling around with the Noodles he just dropped to the ground with his head in his hands and began weeping like a little girl. He didn’t even think about going over to the microwave to switch it off. Before he knew it the bastarding thing had exploded into tiny pieces!

The best phone to get a Chav is most likely the Nokia 5210 which retails for around £25 in Argos and is virtually indestructible. Unless of course the Chav tries to stick it up his or her back passage. Then not only will they break the phone but they’ll void the warranty.

Maybe you should get them Buckfast for Christmas instead. It’s the safest option, trust me.