If you’re out on the piss and fancy a kebab after hours, then order it for delivery. Why? Well kebab shops are overrun with fat Chavettes on the hunt for both a mate and some food.
Chavettes are especially hostile to non-Chavs when pissed so if she spots you in the queue she’ll try to club you to death with her chin like a badger.
I feel really sorry for the employees of the takeaways as they have to take such crap from these slappers. If their food isn’t on time then they’ll kick up a stink. If they can’t get away with pissing in the corner of the shop then they’ll kick up a stink. They’ll do anything they can to make the lives of the kitchen staff absolute hell.
That’s why I love kebab shops that have security men at the door. They won’t take any shit at all. Any crap from the fat chav and she’s out on her ass.
I don’t understand why Chavs love Katie Price so much. She has massive manly hands like a goalkeeper and a face like a chewed up chip. If her knockers weren’t the same size as two of Jupiter’s moons then she’d be totally average.
Yet she’s revered as one of the sexiest women in Britain.
That’s why I never buy any of the British lads mags. They are full of munter’s like Price. You could honestly pick up better talent at your local student bar and that would only cost you a Bacardi Breezer (less than the cost of Nuts!)
It’s safe to say you wouldn’t be able to make love to her without wrecking your back or having one of your eyes gouged out by her nipples. Maybe that’s why Peter Andre left her in the end.
The poor guy’s backbone is probably about to cack itself permanently.
I don’t know about you but I’m dying for a KFC bargain bucket right now.
The good thing about bargain buckets is that once you’ve finished with them, you don’t have to walk to the toilet, you can just kneel over and piss or shit into the container.
No self respecting Chav site would be complete without this video which has rightfully become legendary on the interwebs.
If only the poor fellow has paid attention to his mates wise observations ‘Awww it’s going down! Oh it’s going through!’ then he wouldn’t be in a wheelchair as we speak.
You’ve got to love his howl followed up by his ‘help me, help me!’ just as the wall consumes his leg like a hungry gray hound.
The moral of the story is that if you’re gonna try to kick the hell out of a wall, then you’ll never ever win.
It’ll always be more one-sided than when Apollo Creed ‘fought’ Dolph Lundgren in Rocky IV.
Chavs have been called so many derogatory names over the years that you couldn’t care less what you call them. Saying that, many do take exception to the Chav name and label. Most of them aim to be called ‘gangsta’ or ‘wigga’ or at the very least ‘Billy Big Balls’.
In large groups the Chavs may well take exception to the name. In such a situation they will give chase and if you caught you can expect quite a slapping with the end result being either a ‘golden shower’ or a ‘cleveland steamer’ depending on how lucky you are.
The good thing is, Chavs are always so stoned out of their mind that the chances of being caught by them are minimal, unless you’re a fat goth. Then you’ve little hope of making it out alive.
Chavs typically don’t give a shit what type of cigarettes they smoke, as long as they do the job for less than £4 for 20.
This is why most Chavs buy their tobacco off the local drug pusher or ice cream van.
If you’ve ever lived in a council estate then you’ll be aware that ice cream vans in these areas act as fronts for pushers to sell counterfeit cigarettes at bargain rates.
Whenever the van approaches the estate, all of the Chavs surface like worms to the topsoil once Fairy Liquid has been poured into the earth.
Even grannies will come out for a bargain and will buy vast quantities of the knock-off fags at bargain rates.
One word of advice – never buy ice cream from one of these vans. Why?
Well the cones are always filled with cigarette ash and broken finger nails. If you were to eat a whole one you’d be on the shitter until Jade Goody rises from her grave.
The answer to this is simple. They wash their clothes regularly!
Chavs have gained an unfair reputation for being filthy beggars. This myth has been prepetuated by the mainstream media who seem intent on stereotyping the working classes.
Chavs adhere to much more stringent standards of hygiene than goths, students, or Emos. They take pride in their appearance unlike those inside the indie subculture who piss about inside coffee shops, trying to look aloof by reading pretentious novels that they can’t understand.
I don’t understand why society is so critical over what Chavs wear.
Who gives a damn if they wear tracksuit bottoms, Adidas tops and white trainers all of the time? It’s their choice. They’ve chosen that look and shouldn’t have to suffer any persecution because of it.
It’s stupid how Chavs aren’t allowed in bars if they are wearing any article of clothing that is associated with the Chav subculture. If you’re a Goth you can get away with wearing anything you want and the bouncers won’t even lift an eyelid!
Anyway my theory about all of the criticism that Chav’s endure is down to them being jealous of the peace of mind that Chav’s feel. They know who they are deep inside. They’ve become free of the mainstream and are liberated souls.
Everyone who finds true freedom in life ends up persecuted. Look at what happened to Jesus.
In my 25 years I have never seen a Chav with glasses and now I understand why they don’t wear them. It’s not because of fear of being ridiculed by their peers. It’s to take the edge off the filth and grime that pervades many of their lives.
Let’s face it, most Chavettes are absolutely minging. Can you imagine having to ’service’ one of them? Would you want to see her parts in microscopic detail with all sorts of mutated wildlife clinging to her pubes like flies onto dandelions? If I was in the Chav’s position I wouldn’t just refuse to wear glasses, I’d poke my own eyes out with a drinking straw.
Even then, that wouldn’t be enough as I’d still have to deal with the smell and the taste, which would be unbearable in itself considering I’m not partial to the smell nor taste of boiled haddock.
It is impossible to have a proper game of pool in any hall across the UK. Why?
Well the places are jam packed with Chavs who will do anything they can to interupt your game. I’ve had numerous bad experiences with them.
Usually when I bend over for a shot one of them will approach from the rear and nudge the pool cue just as I’m about to hit the ball. Then he’ll make a smart ass comment like ‘Aye mate, you’re a bit shit aintcha? Fancy a game?’
At this point I’ll be dying to wrap the cue around his head, only I know I can’t as I’d be surrounded by a rabble of angry Chavs within seconds.
The only option is to continue on as normal, ignoring the asshole. Only the more you ignore the Chav the more he’ll annoy you and eventually you’ll end up giving in and playing him and his asshole mates who, invent their own pool rules as they go along.
